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http://archive.org/details/fablesfortimesOOphil 


Fables  for  the  Times. 


Fables  for  the  Times. 

By  H.  W.  Phillips. 
Illustrated  by  T.  R.  Sullivant. 


New   York  : 

R.  H.  Russell  &  Son, 

MDCCCXCVI 


Copyright  by  Mitchell  &  Miller. 
Copyright,   I  896,  by  Robert  Howard  Russel 


REDFlELD    BROS..    NEW    YORK. 


Contents 


The  Baa- Sheep  and  the  Lion 
The  Dog  and  the  Meat 
The  Fox  and  the  Grapes 
The  Fox  ami  the  Crow 
The  Ass  in  the  Lion's  Skin 
The  Horse  and  the  Oyster 
Tlie  Monkey  and  the  Ass 
The  Merchant  and  the  Fool    . 
The  Wolf  and  the  Sheep 
The  Ambitious  Hippopotamus 
The  Man  and  the  Serpent 


6  The  Appreciative  Man   . 

S  On       the  Not- Altogether -Credible 
10  Habits  of  the  Ostrich 

i  2  The  Idol  and  the  Ass 

14  The  Bee  and   fupiter 

16  The  Lion  and  the  Boar 

18  The  Tiger  and  the  Deer 

20  The    Old    Man,     His    Son    and    the 
22  Ass         .... 

24  The  Shipwrecked  Traveler 

26  The  Discontented  Woman 


3° 
6 

34 
36 
38 

40 

42 

44 


The    Baa-Sheep    and    the    Lion. 

A  BAA-SHEEP  was  lying  under  the  paw  ot  a  black-man  ed  lion.  Whatever  was 
going  to  he  done  had  to  be  done  quickly.  A  thought  flashed  upon  the  sheep 
and   he  said  : 

"  Most  dread  lord  and  master,  I  have  heard  vour  voice  extolled  bevond  that  of  all 
others.      Will  you  not  sing  me  a  little  selection  from  Wagner  before  I  die?" 

The  lion,  touched  in  his  vanity,  immediately  started  up  and  roared  away  until  the 
goose-flesh  stood  out  on  the  rocks.      When  he  had  finished,  the  sheep  was  in  tears. 

"What  means  this?"  growled  the  lion  in  a  rage.  "Do  you  presume  to  criticise 
my  singing  ?  " 

"Oh,  no!"  sobbed  the  sheep.  "That  is  not  it.  Hut  I  have  heard  that  wool  was 
the  worst  thing  in  the  world  for  the  voice,  and  when  I  think  of  the  ruin  of  that  beautiful 
organ  ot  yours,  consequent  upon  eating   me,  I  weep  to  think  that  I  was  not  born  hairless." 

The  lion  regarded  him  out  of  the  corner  of  his  eye.  Then,  in  his  grandest  manner, 
said:  "Run  along  home  to  vour  ma,  little  sheep;  I  was  only  playing  with  you,"  and 
walked  off  through  the  forest  with  a  great  deal  of  dis^nitv. 


The    Baa-Sheep   and    the   Linn. 


The    Dog   and    the    Meat. 

A  DOG  with  a  piece  of  meat  in  his  mouth  was  crossing  a  bridge  over  a  placid  stream. 
On  looking  down  he  saw  another  dog  with  a  precisely  similar  piece  of  meat  in 
the  water  below  him.  "That's  a  singular  incident,"  he  thought  to  himself  as  he 
prepared  to  jump  in.  "But  hold  a  minute!  The  angle  of  incidence  is  always  equal  to 
the  an^le  of  reflection.  Upon  reflection,  I  find  that  the  other  dog  and  the  meat  are  only 
optical  phenomena."  And  he  trotted  on  his  way  to  Boston  without  further  thought  about 
the  matter. 


The   Dog  and    the    Meac. 


The    Fox    and    the    Grapes. 

A  FOX  stood  under  an  apple-tree  and  gazed  up  earnestly  at  the  globes  of  yellow 
lusciousness.  "  How  sad,  for  the  sake  of  an  old-time  piece  of  literature,''  lie  said, 
"that  the  fox  is  a  carnivorous  animal  and  doesn't  care  particularly  about  fruit!" 

Immoral  : 
We    all    have    plenty    of    faults    without    the   Truly    Good    taking   the    trouble   to    invent 

them     for    us. 


A 


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The   Fov   and    the   Grape 


pes. 


The    Fox   and    the   C 


row. 


A  CROW,    having  stolen  a  piece  of  flesh,  perched  in  a  tree  to  enjoy  it  at  leisure. 
A   fox  saw  her,  and,  being  hungry,  thought  he  would  employ  a  little   diplomacy  to 
get  the  meat  away  from  her. 

"  What  a  prima-donna  the  crow  would  be,"  he  said,  looking  at  her  with  mock 
admiration,  "  if  she  only  had  a  voice  proportional  to  her  other  attractions  !  " 

The  crow  promptly  dropped  the  piece  of  flesh  on  his  head,  completely  blinding  him, 
and  before  he  could  recover  from  his  surprise,  lit  on  his  back  and  began  to  peck  him 
viciously.  "I'll  have  you  to  know,"  she  cawed,  "that  I'm  a  proper  lady,  and  the  man 
that  compares  me  to  them  shameless  French  singing  hussies  is  going  to  get  hurt." 

Immoral  : 
Don't  praise  the  soft  whiteness  of  a  labor  delegate's  hands. 


The   Fox  and    the   Crow. 


The   Ass   in    the    Lion's   Skin. 

AN   ass,    by   some   means   unknown  to  the  writer,  having   managed  to  get   into   a   lion's 
skin,  ran  around  the  neighborhood  frightening  the  beasts  into  fits.     When  he  brayed, 
thev  said:    "  Jupiter!    what  a  magnificent  bass  voice   he   has!"    and  he  was   the   pan- 
tata  of  that  district  until  he  died  of  old  age. 

Immoral  : 
A   good   bluff,    well   chucked,  is   liable   to   do   considerable   execution. 


ii  i     mlmk  Y'm'A  V  V  --'--V        ^52^  '^%  ^      ^J^$li3>  . 


The   Ass  in   t lie   Lion's  Skin. 


The    Horse   and    the    Ovster. 

AVERY   prancy   horse,  discovering  an   ovster   on    the  sea-shore,  thought   to   show  off  a 
little  and  make  the  oyster  envious. 
After  he  had  done  some  surprising  leaps   and   curvetings,  he  went  up  to   the  oyster, 
and,  with  a  toss  of  his  head,  said: 

"There!    what  do  you  think  of  that?" 

"You   must   excuse   me,"  answered    the   bivalve,    "  hut    I    have   been    blind  from  birthv 
and  missed  the  whole  show." 

Immoral: 
Ot  what  use  is  a  dress  suit  in  the  Desert  of  Sahara? 


16 


The   Horse   and    the   Oyster. 


The    Monkey    and    the    Ass. 

AN  ass,  having  seen  a  monkey  doing  tricks  on  a  roof,  to  the  edification  ot  the  villagers, 
became  envious,  and  essayed  to  emulate  his  more  agile  rival. 

The  root  broke  under  his  greater  weight,  and  he  fell  through  on  his  master, 
squashing  him  Hatter  than  a  pan-cake.  Thenceforward,  having  no  one  to  say  him  nay,  he 
lived  a  life  of  peace  and  plenty,  coming  and  going  at  his  own  sweet  will,  while  the  monkey 
was  captured  by  an  organ  grinder  and  works  eighteen  hours  a  day. 

Immoral  : 
People  are  not  always  such  asses  as  they  seem  to  us. 


4^' 


>v^y^r 


The    M.mkey    and    [he   Ass. 


. 


The    Merchant   and    the    Fool. 

A  MERCHANT   of  horses  was  driving  his  stock  to  the  market.      On  the  road   he  met 
a  venerable  old  fool,  who  offered  to  buy  his  entire  stock. 

"It  is  this  way,"  said   the   intended  purchaser,  "I  will  take  your   horses  now,  and 
whenever  I  rind  use  for  one,  I  will  send  you  the  money  for  it." 

"  Now  the  gods  be  lenient    to   folly  !  "    exclaimed    the    indignant    merchant.      "  Man,. 
Man  !    where  in  the  realm  of  idiocy  did  you  get  your  knowledge  of  business  ?  " 

"  I  ran  a  pay-on-publication  journal  for  ten  years,"  said  the  fool  with  asperity. 
But  the  merchant  had  vanished  in  a  cloud  of"  oaths  and  dust. 


The   Merchant  and   the    Fool. 


The    Wolf  and    the    Sheep. 

A  WOLF  that   hud  been   left  for  dead  by   the  dogs  lay  not  far  from  a  running  brook. 
He  felt  that  one  good  drink  might  save  his  lite.       Just  then  a  sheep  passed  near. 
"  Pray,  sister,"  said  he   very  gently,  but    with   a   sinister  twinkle   of  his    eve  teeth, 
"bring  me  some  water  from  von  stream." 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  sheep,  and  she  brought  him  a  glass  in  which  she  had  poured  a 
few  knock-out  drops.  As  she  sat  on  his  corpse  a  little  later  she  moralized  in  this  manner  : 
"  Some  clever  people  are  wicked,  but  all  wicked  people  are  not  clever  by  a  d d  sight." 


ESS  !fii 


The   Wolf  and   the  Sheep. 


23 


The    Ambitious    Hippopotamus. 

A  HIPPOPOTAMUS   who  had    dwelt   contentedly   for    years  on    the   banks  of  a  reedy 
stream,  looked  up  one  day  and  saw  an  eagle. 

She  became  immediately  fired  with  a  desire  to  flv.  Having  lived  a  staid  and 
respectable  lite  that  could  not  but  find  favor  in  the  eyes  ot  the  gods,  she  raised  her  voice  in 
prayer. 

Jove  smiled  a  little,  but  granted   her   request. 

On  the  instant  a  pair  of  broad,  powerful  wings  were  affixed  to  her  shoulders. 

She  was  naturally  a  trifle  nervous  about  trying  them  at  first,  but  finally  mustered  up 
her  courage. 

Away  she  swooped,  and  with  a  pardonable  vanity  took  her  course  over  a  piece  ot  jungle 
where  some  old  friends  lived. 

Precisely  thirtv-eight  seconds  later  a  convention  ot  animals,  all  swearing  and  trembling 
with  fright,  were  trying  to  conceal  themselves  in  the  same  three-bv-four  hole  in  the  ground. 

The  effect  on  the  other  animals  disconcerted  the  good-natured  hippopotamus  to  such 
an  extent  that  she  lost  control  ot  herself  and  sailed  through  the  forest  like  an  avalanche  on 
a  bender.  Down  went  the  trees  and  crack  went  the  branches,  while  horror-stricken  beasts 
with  bristling  hair  split  the  welkin  with  their  shrieks. 

The  hippopotamus  made  for  home  at  her  be--t  speed.  Arriving  over  the  familiar  spot, 
she  let  go  all  holds  and  came  down  ker-splash  in  the  mud,  knocking  the  astonished  little 
hippopotamuses  out  into  mid-stream. 

"Oh,  Jupiter!  take  'em  off!"  she  gasped.  "I  now  see  that  the  hippopotamus  was 
not  intended  to  fly." 

Immoral  : 

It    takes   more   than    nine   bloomers   to   make   a   man. 


-4 


V 


y 


.,   ,.'^i-' 


The   Ambitious    Hippopotami, 


The    Man    and    the   Serpent. 

A  MAN,  who  had  lived  a  beautiful  purple   lite,  went  to  sleep  under  a  tree  in  the  forest. 
Jove  sent  a  huge  serpent   to   destroy  him.       The  man  awakened    as  the  reptile   drew 
near. 
"  What  a  horrid  sight  !  "  he  said.      "  But  let  us  he  thankful   that    the    pink-and-green 
elephant  and  the  feathered  hippopotamus  are  not  also  in  evidence." 

And  he  took  a  dose   ot  bromide  and   commended   himself    again    to   sleep,    while   the 
serpent  withdrew  in  some  confusion. 

What   this   proves  to   a   thinking   mind  : 
Jove  himself  couldn't  get  a  job  as  Sunday-School  Superintendent  on  his  reputation. 


26 


n 


\~  &. 


i 


*»\ 


„ 


v--        .»     * 


& V   JPtfc, 


The    Man   and    the  Serpent 


The    Appreciative    Man. 

A  MAN   stood  in  the  archway  of  an   ancient  temple.      He   took    in    the   wonderful    pro- 
portions and  drank  of  the  exquisite  detail  in  an  ecstasy  ot  delight. 

"  Oh,  great  is  art  !  "    he  cried   in  a  frenzy.      "Art  is  all!    the  only  God  !" 
Just   then   an    earthquake   came   mumbling   along  and  jarred  the  whole   country   loose. 
As    the  man    picked    himself  out   ot  the    jumbled-up   ruins   into  the  dust-filled  air,  he 
encountered  a  lion  who  had  lost  his  tail  and  his  temper  in  the  incLw 
"  Well,  where's  your  art  now,  snarled  the  lion  r  " 
"  All  in  my  eve,  I  reckon,"  answered  the  man,  as  he  bathed  his  damaged  optic. 


rjf  \ 


The   Appreciative    Man. 


20 


On  the  Not-Altogether-Credible  Habits  of  the  Ostrich. 


AN  ostrich,  who  was  closely  pursued  by  a  hunter,  suddenly  thrust  his  head  deep   down 
into  the  sand. 

"  Ah  !  ah  !  "  exulted  the  hunter,  "  I  have  the  sillv  thing  at  last.''  He  advanced 
to  place  a  rope  around  the  bird's  legs ;  but  the  ostrich,  who  had  accurately  timed  his 
arrival,  landed  a  kick  in  the  pit  of  his  stomach  that  sent  him  into  the  hereafter  like  a 
bullet  through  a  log-bank. 

Immoral  : 

"  Umph,"  said    the    ostrich   as   he    surveyed   his  victim,  "because   a    man    looks   sad   at  the 
opening  ol  a  jack-pot,  it  doesn't  necessarily  follow  that  he's  only  got  ace-high." 


1      I  l  J,   ill    '    I    "I    r  '    I 


On  the  Not-Altogether-Credible  Habits  of  the  Ostrich. 


3' 


The    Idol    and    the   Ass. 

AN   ass  felt  it  his  duty  to  destroy  superstition,  so   he  went   up  to    the  brass  idol    in    the 
market-place  and  gave  it  a  vigorous  kick. 

A  dog  came  to  him  as  he  lay  groaning  on  the  ground,  nursing  his  broken  leg,  and 
said,    "Well,  did  you  prove  anything  ?" 

"Nothing,"  said  the  other.      "  Except  that  I  am  an  ass." 
Deductions  to  be  drawn  :    Any  old  thing. 


32 


'• 


iyilii     5SKJ 


iiiiiiii  i  i 
"Hi 


w 


The   Idol   and    the   As 


The    Bee    and    Jupitei 


A  BEE,  the  queen  of   all  the  hives,  ascended  to  Olympus  with  a  present  of   some  super- 
refined  honey  for   Jupiter. 
The  god  was  delighted  with   the  honev,  ^nd   in  return  offered  to  grant   any  request 
the  Bee  might  make. 

"Give  to  me,  I  pray,  0  Lord  of  the  Heavens!  a  sting,  that,  small  and  weak  as  I  am, 
I  may  not  be  defenceless  against  my  enemies." 

Jupiter  was  quite  put  out  at  this  demand,  as  he  knew  the  weapon  would  he  used 
principally  against  mankind,  whom  he  much  loved.  But  a  god's  promise  must  be  kept,  so 
he  said: 

"  It  is  granted  you." 

"Many  thanks,  most  potent  one!"  cried  the  Bee,  running  the  new-gained  weapon  in 
and  out  with  much  satisfaction. 

fupiter  sternly  cut  short  her  thanks,  and  continued: 

"In  using  this  means  of  detenae  and  offense  you  will  imperil  your  own  life,  for  the 
sting  shall  remain  in  the  wound  it  makes  and  you  shall  die  from  the  loss  of  it." 

The  Bee  flew  around  for  a  moment,  and  then  lit  on  the  hack  of  the  god's  neck. 

'You  will  kindly  reconsider  that  last  clause,"  she  said,  "or,"  in  a  very  meaning  tone, 
"  I  die  right  here." 

Jupiter  felt  a  cold  chill  take  its  agitated  way  up  his  spinal  column. 

"All  right,"  he  said,  hastily.  "I  don't  want  to  be  small  about  it.  Have  it  vour  own 
way.      Only  please  get  off  my  neck!" 

The  Bee  went  joyously  back  to  earth,  humming  a  song  of  praise. 

Em  moral: 
How  to  play  a  cinch  (Hoyle).      "Put  both  feet  on  the  encircled  object.      Rosin  the  hands, 

take  a  long;  breath  and  Pull." 


34 


->-.  J¥' 


■7/ 

w 


^£ 


■ 


? 


1:  i.^i. «■«...> 


The    Lion    and    the    Boar. 

ONE  Sunday,  when  the  new  administration  had   induced  a  general  thirst,  a  lion   and   a 
boar   came  at  the  same  moment  to  a  corner  spring  to  drink. 

"Have  one  with  me,"  said  the  lion.  "No,  sir;  this  is  on  me,"  said  the  boar. 
From  words  they  came  to  blows,  and  while  they  were  in  the  press  of  combat  the  clock 
struck  one  a.  m.  and  thev  had  to  go  home  cold-sober  and  disgusted. 

Immoral  : 
Reform    is   just   the   thing  for  angels. 


36 


The    Lion   and    the    Boar. 


The    Tiger    and    the    Deer. 


o 


NE  day  a  tiger,  who  had  grown  remorseful  over  his  murderous  career,  resolved  to 
turn  over  a  new  leaf  and  live  on  terms  of  friendly  interest  with  the  other  animals 
of   the   forest. 

He  started  out  on  a  campaign  of  pacification.  The  first  animal  he  met  was  the  deer, 
whom  he  addressed  in  the  most  courteous  and  beautiful  of  language,  assuring  him  of  his 
undying   affection. 

"  Bunco  !  "  veiled  the  deer,  as  he  skipped  away  from  there  at  the  rate  of  ten  seconds 
in  even  time. 

Immoral  : 

It  is  useless  to  attempt  to  gain  the  good-will  of  suspicious  characters. 


■  ---*' 


The   Tiger  and    the   Deer. 


'" 


The    Old    Man,    His   Son    and    the   Ass. 

AN  old  man  and  his  little  boy  were  once  driving  an  ass  to  the  market-place.  "What's 
the  matter  with  one  of  you  riding?"  said  a  passer-bv.  So  the  man  put  his  boy  on 
the  ass  and  they  went  on.  The  next  person  they  met  said  it  was  a  shame  to  see  a 
boy  ride  while  an  old  man  walked.  The  man  lifted  the  boy  off  and  got  on  himself.  This 
also  excited  adverse  comment,  and  the  man  took  the  boy  up  behind  him.  The  next  critic 
was  a  member  of  the  S.  P.  C.  A.,  and  he  upbraided  them  both  roundly,  saying  that  they 
would  better  carry  the  ass  than  he  them.  Thereupon  they  tied  the  ass's  legs  to  a  long 
pole  and  carried  him  between  them.  While  crossing  the  bridge,  into  the  town,  the  man 
stumbled  and  the  ass  fell  into  the  water  and  was  drowned.  They  promptly  sued  the  city 
for  damages,  and  compromised  on  526^,  more  than  eight  times   the  value  of  the  ass. 

Immoral  : 
Hard   luck   cannot   touch   smooth   people. 


The   Old    Man,    His  Son   and   the   Ass. 


(I 


The   Shipwrecked   Traveler. 

A  MAN  who  had  traveled  over  many  countries  was  shipwrecked  off  the  coast  of  Opera 
land.  After  a  desperate  battle  with  the  waves  he  managed  to  near  the  shore  where 
the  cruel  waves  played  with  him  like  a  cat  with  a  mouse.  He  would  pull  himself 
up  the  beach,  half  fainting,  and  a  great,  dancing,  hissing  breaker  would  pounce  upon  him 
and  drive  hi  in    back. 

He  called  for  help  until  the  inhabitants  espied  him. 

They  came  in  a  group,  the  women  costumed  as  milkmaids  and  the  men  as  cavaliers. 

After  making  about  twenty  feet  the  company  stopped. 

"  Oh  !   save  him,  save  him  !  "  sang  the  soprano. 

"  Yes,  ves  !   we  will  save  him  !  "  sang  back  the  tenor. 

Then  everybody  sang  "  Save  him,  save  him  ;  oh,  yes,  we  will  save  him,  save  him  from 
the  sea!!!" 

The  sopranos  took  a  B  flat  on  the  last  note,  while  the  tenors  and  altos  rambled  up  and 
down  the  scale  and  the  bassos  bombarded  the  theme  w  ith  their  deepest  chest  tones. 

In  the  meantime  the  traveler  had  been  washed  out  to  sea.  As  the  next  wave  brought 
him  to  the  strand  the  company  advanced  once  more  a  short  distance,  and  began. 

"  In  the  name  of  Mercy,  help  me  !  "  screamed  the  drowning  man. 

"Oh,  hear  his  piteous  cry,"  sang  the  tenors,  and  the  prima  donna  stepped  out  and  sang 
a  beautiful  aria  beginning  "  Now  the  cruel  waxes  advancing."  After  she  had  finished  the 
bass  got  in  front  of  the  company. 

He  described  how  his  strong  arm  had  plucked  the  stranger  from  a  watery  grave,  and 
advanced  to  the  beach  to  suit  the  action  to  the  words. 

But,  alas  !  the  traveler  had  given  up  the  ghost  several  minutes  before.  Then  the 
company  sang  a  miserere  and  went  home  to  lunch. 

Immoral  : 
The  finest  of  Raphael's  canvases  would  make  a  poor  overcoat. 


wfPQHQk*** 


is*,*,  us,., 


The   Shipwrecked    Traveler. 


J  3 


The    Discontented   Woman. 

A  WOMAN  who  was   dissatisfied  with    her  husband  loudly  petitioned   Jove   to  send    her 
another.      The  god  listened  favorably  to  her  petition  and  sent  her  a  demigod. 

In  less  than  a  week  the  woman  was  bewailing  her  lot  again,  saying  she  never 
cared  tor  mixed  goods  anyhow,  and  that  while  the  god-halt  ot  her  present  husband  might 
be  all  right,  the  man-halt  snored  and  chewed  tobacco.  Jove,  wearied  bv  her  ill-humored 
persistency,  took  back  the  demi-god  and  sent  her  a  man  out  ot  the  Yellow  Book  for 
husband,  instead. 

Up  to  the  present  writing  the  lady  in  question  hasn't  discovered  where  she  is  at. 

Immoral  : 
Hysterics  and  Art  are  only  relations  bv  marriage. 


44 


■  S~  ..WOT 

.,""■  " 


m  \  ^ 


The   Discontented    Ionian. 
45 


